Paradise

My office is very close to Paradise Cafe and Bakery on N. Meridian so... I end up eating there often. I can get a pretty healthy meal and a cookie comes with it. (I have declined getting a cookie a couple times and they look at me like I have a third head. LOL) Anyway, this blog post is about my experience there last week.

I was super hungry, and super tired. Fiona had her first cold last week courtesy of the child care at the YMCA where we have decided to take her to boost her immunity naturally. ;-) So... she wasn't sleeping, feeling awful, crying, whiny, and not eating. We are also undergoing several big changes at the office. And.... I am sharing with other loved ones the burden of supporting/walking with my dad on his journey battling cancer. All of these are bullet points on my journey... so... back to Paradise.

I zoomed down the street and into the parking lot to the area I always park in. I go inside and there is a huge line. They always have plenty of staff to serve guests quickly so there wasn't a long wait. I opted for a roast beef sandwich (went for the gluten! as a splurge) and ordered a half salad to go with it. YUM! They gave me a ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie with my half sandwich! This cookie immediately went into my mouth. I know I know I'm not supposed to eat sweets before a meal. Like grandma/mom says it ruins your dinner. But... what the didn't tell us is it totally screws up our digestion and gives our organs (pancreas, small intestine, large intestines) and hormones a glich too. AS I SAID I was tired and super hungry! (excuses excuses!)

I get to the cash register and by then the cookie is mostly gone. I stuff it back into its package and dig for my wallet. OH NO! WALLET NOT IN PURSE! CRAP. I look at the cashier and say... I can't find my wallet it might be in the car. I'm going to run out and look and be right back. (Frequently I dig through my purse in the passenger seat to find... phone, chapstick, nametag, whatever. So the wallet gets tossed in the seat and out of the purse.) I dash out to the car. Past the Paradise employee who offers you a sample as you enter, she was REALLY EXCITED to give out samples this day. Once at the car I searched for the wallet. Nope no dice.

Go back in or drive away. Go back in. I went back to the register (past the super excited sample lady. Who greeted me again... very excitedly) and explained I couldn't find my wallet and it must be in the diaper bag, which doubles as a purse when I'm with 9 month old daughter, turned in a hurry and rushed to my car. Embarrassed of what just occurred during peak lunch time in which I held up the line and returned a over half eaten cookie. :-\

You must be wondering... did she eat? Yes, Jesse brought me a sandwich and my wallet was on my desk at the office.

.....................................cut to this week...........................

I returned to the site of the incident hunger in hand (and belly). We were supposed to have lunch as an office but circumstances changed and I needed to grab food during lunch break. I ordered half a salad and approached the register.... SAME PERSON at the checkout. She looked at me and.....(I waited for it)and she smiled (relief) and said "Are you the lady with the nine month old who left her wallet? Me:(sheepish grin) Yes. (smile)
Checkout:  You left so quickly last time.
Me: yeah I was very embarrassed.
Checkout: Our manager on duty "Ty" ran after you in the parking lot to give you your meal.
Me: REALLY? (remembering my hunger that day. I wish I had been less spry)
Checkout: Today's meal is on us and if that ever happens again don't worry we'll take care of you.
Me: Flooded with.... a really good feeling.

Thank you to Ty and the wonderful lady at the checkout who made an awkward embarrassed girl feel accepted and welcomed. :-)

Chin up out there. Life does bring you lemonade too.

When the dust settles

When the dust settles and your heart is open.

You pick up the pieces and decide to move on.

Place hope in your heart for peace of mind.

U-Turn One month in

U-turn implies that one made a wrong turn and have to back track. In our case we did not make a wrong turn we absolutely made the right decision to move to North Carolina and to move forward and choose to grow deeper roots in Indiana.

After one month back in the midwest I finally have a moment to blog. Music on. Spot at the kitchen table looking out the window, hot coffee ready to imbibe.  

Broadripple is wonderful! My good friend D gave us a schwinn bike trailer. Yesterday we hooked it up and took Fiona on a bike ride on the monon to have lunch at the Brugge. Several great things there supporting the lifestyle I love. 1. being outdoors 2. biking as a family from our home to amenities 3. sharing time with my love and our little one. 3. A brewery within biking distance from home that brews good/respectable beer like the sour "Pooka" I had yesterday. Nicely done. It was a dream come true because I love biking, I love my family, and I love adventures to share with them. If only Jesse was a bit more keen on biking but... I'll take what I can in that realm.

I missed sooo many patients!!!! After having office hours for a month I have spent time with many people whose lives I missed for two years. Catching up with the happenings within their world has been such a privilege. Stories accounting for joy, sorrow, loss, life, triumph... all creating such a depth. I have so much to give in this world and you, being a patient, helps me reach my greatest height while helping you reach yours. Thank you. I have to say again I love my job! I celebrate with you in your joy and I grieve with you in your depths. (A special shout out here to a certain young man who has been to hell and back with leukemia and gaining strength everyday. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!)

Settling into our rental home has taken some time. The look and layout of it is very similar to our previous home on Rosslyn. Sometimes I take a right in the hallway and realize its the closet and not the bathroom (not too late mind you. LOL).

J is doing a phenomenal job taking care of our little honey badger and momma honey badger (me). He is making her food, cooking healthy food for he and I, he is just wonderful. I am glad I got to experience my time as a stay at home parent to realize how amazing he is at juggling all he does and, dare I say, doing a more complete/well-rounded job at it than I did. (its not a competition Heidi... is what my zen side is saying but most of you know how competitive I am... I constantly have to work on this characteristic to keep it where it serves to better and omit where it damages.)

Here's to going to the grave not having said "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.... didn't!" 

My dear friends. You are so supportive. Thank you!

(the top photo was taken on a Jesse/Fiona outing with friends.)
(the bottom photo is of cute piggies.) 

I wrote this post when Fiona was four months old. I didn't publish it because it felt too... raw. Rereading it today makes me want to publish it because others out there might relate to it and know you're not alone and might receive some encouragement from it. Love and light
-Heidi

Since having Fiona I have been struggling with body image. Who I think of myself as being. Fit, powerful, healthy. What a couple of years.... . When we moved to NC my chiropractic license didn't transfer and NC had different requirements of which I didn't meet so I was left without a license. It took me almost a year exactly to make that happen. Losing my identity as a practicing chiropractic physician was.... hard emotionally. When meeting new people in a new place it is customary to always lead with---> "What do you do?" and my response.... "I'm a chiropractor by trade but I'm not licensed in this state yet." I know each person I revealed this to did not judge me. The truth is I judged me and that is what matters. I judged me over, and over, and over. Each time admitting this sent the dagger of defeat deeper into my wounded ego. What a lesson. Persistence. Release. Judgement. Depression. Hard work. Success. Finally getting past that hurdle. But, that is not what this blog entry is about.
This entry is about the struggle with my identity in my body. A body which grew a person. I struggled the most in first trimester and then am struggling now. Struggling with my new skin. My new lumps, bumps, stretches and clothing size.
I'm currently reading a book recommended by a new mommy friend called "Cinderella ate my daughter." Thus far it is discussing the point of our little girls all becoming princesses at a young age and how that translates into body image. (there is much more to it but this is the bare bones.) My point being... I was raised being a Princess. I am realizing now how much that part of me meant since I feel like I don't have it anymore. So here I am a 30 year old new mom and I stare in the mirror and the person that I am inside is not always the person I see reflected back at me. Yesterday when I looked, I looked lovingly at what I had earned. Seeing the battle scars for childbearing. Today I looked and felt sad longing to see the woman I left behind. Then as I talked with one of my patients this afternoon I said to her... "It is not about the scale. It is about how you feel. Your energy. Your sense of well-being. Your zest for life." Then I paused and after a moment... as she is looking at me wondering why I had paused. I said... "You know what. I need to listen to myself. I just took a moment to repeat what I am recommending to you to myself."
My life is about Love. I will make the conscious choice to love all that I am... and also what I am not for that is what makes me.... me. I hope you hear that voice in your head that tells you those not so nice things when you look in the mirror or don't make the grade and tell it to *@%$ OFF! I am here to bring joy to this life! I will choose accept the present moment and embrace it. We can't change what is and if I had the choice to be that woman I was before or who I am now I would not change it. However I can change how I view myself and the words I tell myself.

You must be your own biggest cheerleader because if you're not the other voices who are will just be drowned out.