Summer Project

One summer when I was high school age my dad gave me a tedious job to do. It seemed he always had a project for me to work on. (I'm sure my siblings had their own projects too.) This particular summer of note my project was to rehab this wrought iron fence. I'm trying to remember where the heck this fence came from but... my dad, my dad collected "finds" from all over and would get super excited about them. Always something new and sparkly to keep his inner fire burning. Anyway... the fence. It was peeling and a black rust cake. My first step... wire brush the WHOLE THING. Ugh. Inch by inch scraping scrubbing, wire brushing. It was slow and tedious work. It took forever! A whole summer! I don't like slow and tedious. I don't like details. I like instant gratification and results. What a lesson. After the wire brushing the painting was easy. White paint, several coats, all over.

Many of the readings and ideas I follow express the being in the moment life. Enjoying the cup of tea right now. Slow down and live. Stripping down this fence was a wonderful lesson for me that I am, in writing this, appreciating in a different aspect.
There have been many times I move too fast, do too much, add add add and do do do. It takes focus and conscious effort to slow down. Breathe. Be.

So... today I'm spreading encouragement to: Breathe deep. Slow down. Appreciate. Be you. Create lovingness.

Take your stories and see them in a new way.

Love and light,
Heidi

Paradise

My office is very close to Paradise Cafe and Bakery on N. Meridian so... I end up eating there often. I can get a pretty healthy meal and a cookie comes with it. (I have declined getting a cookie a couple times and they look at me like I have a third head. LOL) Anyway, this blog post is about my experience there last week.

I was super hungry, and super tired. Fiona had her first cold last week courtesy of the child care at the YMCA where we have decided to take her to boost her immunity naturally. ;-) So... she wasn't sleeping, feeling awful, crying, whiny, and not eating. We are also undergoing several big changes at the office. And.... I am sharing with other loved ones the burden of supporting/walking with my dad on his journey battling cancer. All of these are bullet points on my journey... so... back to Paradise.

I zoomed down the street and into the parking lot to the area I always park in. I go inside and there is a huge line. They always have plenty of staff to serve guests quickly so there wasn't a long wait. I opted for a roast beef sandwich (went for the gluten! as a splurge) and ordered a half salad to go with it. YUM! They gave me a ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie with my half sandwich! This cookie immediately went into my mouth. I know I know I'm not supposed to eat sweets before a meal. Like grandma/mom says it ruins your dinner. But... what the didn't tell us is it totally screws up our digestion and gives our organs (pancreas, small intestine, large intestines) and hormones a glich too. AS I SAID I was tired and super hungry! (excuses excuses!)

I get to the cash register and by then the cookie is mostly gone. I stuff it back into its package and dig for my wallet. OH NO! WALLET NOT IN PURSE! CRAP. I look at the cashier and say... I can't find my wallet it might be in the car. I'm going to run out and look and be right back. (Frequently I dig through my purse in the passenger seat to find... phone, chapstick, nametag, whatever. So the wallet gets tossed in the seat and out of the purse.) I dash out to the car. Past the Paradise employee who offers you a sample as you enter, she was REALLY EXCITED to give out samples this day. Once at the car I searched for the wallet. Nope no dice.

Go back in or drive away. Go back in. I went back to the register (past the super excited sample lady. Who greeted me again... very excitedly) and explained I couldn't find my wallet and it must be in the diaper bag, which doubles as a purse when I'm with 9 month old daughter, turned in a hurry and rushed to my car. Embarrassed of what just occurred during peak lunch time in which I held up the line and returned a over half eaten cookie. :-\

You must be wondering... did she eat? Yes, Jesse brought me a sandwich and my wallet was on my desk at the office.

.....................................cut to this week...........................

I returned to the site of the incident hunger in hand (and belly). We were supposed to have lunch as an office but circumstances changed and I needed to grab food during lunch break. I ordered half a salad and approached the register.... SAME PERSON at the checkout. She looked at me and.....(I waited for it)and she smiled (relief) and said "Are you the lady with the nine month old who left her wallet? Me:(sheepish grin) Yes. (smile)
Checkout:  You left so quickly last time.
Me: yeah I was very embarrassed.
Checkout: Our manager on duty "Ty" ran after you in the parking lot to give you your meal.
Me: REALLY? (remembering my hunger that day. I wish I had been less spry)
Checkout: Today's meal is on us and if that ever happens again don't worry we'll take care of you.
Me: Flooded with.... a really good feeling.

Thank you to Ty and the wonderful lady at the checkout who made an awkward embarrassed girl feel accepted and welcomed. :-)

Chin up out there. Life does bring you lemonade too.

When the dust settles

When the dust settles and your heart is open.

You pick up the pieces and decide to move on.

Place hope in your heart for peace of mind.

U-Turn One month in

U-turn implies that one made a wrong turn and have to back track. In our case we did not make a wrong turn we absolutely made the right decision to move to North Carolina and to move forward and choose to grow deeper roots in Indiana.

After one month back in the midwest I finally have a moment to blog. Music on. Spot at the kitchen table looking out the window, hot coffee ready to imbibe.  

Broadripple is wonderful! My good friend D gave us a schwinn bike trailer. Yesterday we hooked it up and took Fiona on a bike ride on the monon to have lunch at the Brugge. Several great things there supporting the lifestyle I love. 1. being outdoors 2. biking as a family from our home to amenities 3. sharing time with my love and our little one. 3. A brewery within biking distance from home that brews good/respectable beer like the sour "Pooka" I had yesterday. Nicely done. It was a dream come true because I love biking, I love my family, and I love adventures to share with them. If only Jesse was a bit more keen on biking but... I'll take what I can in that realm.

I missed sooo many patients!!!! After having office hours for a month I have spent time with many people whose lives I missed for two years. Catching up with the happenings within their world has been such a privilege. Stories accounting for joy, sorrow, loss, life, triumph... all creating such a depth. I have so much to give in this world and you, being a patient, helps me reach my greatest height while helping you reach yours. Thank you. I have to say again I love my job! I celebrate with you in your joy and I grieve with you in your depths. (A special shout out here to a certain young man who has been to hell and back with leukemia and gaining strength everyday. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!)

Settling into our rental home has taken some time. The look and layout of it is very similar to our previous home on Rosslyn. Sometimes I take a right in the hallway and realize its the closet and not the bathroom (not too late mind you. LOL).

J is doing a phenomenal job taking care of our little honey badger and momma honey badger (me). He is making her food, cooking healthy food for he and I, he is just wonderful. I am glad I got to experience my time as a stay at home parent to realize how amazing he is at juggling all he does and, dare I say, doing a more complete/well-rounded job at it than I did. (its not a competition Heidi... is what my zen side is saying but most of you know how competitive I am... I constantly have to work on this characteristic to keep it where it serves to better and omit where it damages.)

Here's to going to the grave not having said "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.... didn't!" 

My dear friends. You are so supportive. Thank you!

(the top photo was taken on a Jesse/Fiona outing with friends.)
(the bottom photo is of cute piggies.) 

I wrote this post when Fiona was four months old. I didn't publish it because it felt too... raw. Rereading it today makes me want to publish it because others out there might relate to it and know you're not alone and might receive some encouragement from it. Love and light
-Heidi

Since having Fiona I have been struggling with body image. Who I think of myself as being. Fit, powerful, healthy. What a couple of years.... . When we moved to NC my chiropractic license didn't transfer and NC had different requirements of which I didn't meet so I was left without a license. It took me almost a year exactly to make that happen. Losing my identity as a practicing chiropractic physician was.... hard emotionally. When meeting new people in a new place it is customary to always lead with---> "What do you do?" and my response.... "I'm a chiropractor by trade but I'm not licensed in this state yet." I know each person I revealed this to did not judge me. The truth is I judged me and that is what matters. I judged me over, and over, and over. Each time admitting this sent the dagger of defeat deeper into my wounded ego. What a lesson. Persistence. Release. Judgement. Depression. Hard work. Success. Finally getting past that hurdle. But, that is not what this blog entry is about.
This entry is about the struggle with my identity in my body. A body which grew a person. I struggled the most in first trimester and then am struggling now. Struggling with my new skin. My new lumps, bumps, stretches and clothing size.
I'm currently reading a book recommended by a new mommy friend called "Cinderella ate my daughter." Thus far it is discussing the point of our little girls all becoming princesses at a young age and how that translates into body image. (there is much more to it but this is the bare bones.) My point being... I was raised being a Princess. I am realizing now how much that part of me meant since I feel like I don't have it anymore. So here I am a 30 year old new mom and I stare in the mirror and the person that I am inside is not always the person I see reflected back at me. Yesterday when I looked, I looked lovingly at what I had earned. Seeing the battle scars for childbearing. Today I looked and felt sad longing to see the woman I left behind. Then as I talked with one of my patients this afternoon I said to her... "It is not about the scale. It is about how you feel. Your energy. Your sense of well-being. Your zest for life." Then I paused and after a moment... as she is looking at me wondering why I had paused. I said... "You know what. I need to listen to myself. I just took a moment to repeat what I am recommending to you to myself."
My life is about Love. I will make the conscious choice to love all that I am... and also what I am not for that is what makes me.... me. I hope you hear that voice in your head that tells you those not so nice things when you look in the mirror or don't make the grade and tell it to *@%$ OFF! I am here to bring joy to this life! I will choose accept the present moment and embrace it. We can't change what is and if I had the choice to be that woman I was before or who I am now I would not change it. However I can change how I view myself and the words I tell myself.

You must be your own biggest cheerleader because if you're not the other voices who are will just be drowned out.

Fiona's Birthday! Part 3/3

Carol kept telling me by the way I was presenting I was VERY CLOSE to the pushing stage of labor. I needed proof so she suggested calling in Deb (who was on my poo poo list from upping the pitocin to a 12 when I wasn't ready and pleaded to stay at 10.) I think this is where I felt no longer focused and with the labor and that it was happening too me instead of me being an active participant. Carol discussed with me if I was dilated to an 8 or 9 forgoing pain meds was doable. I told Carol to shove it. (in other words) I didn't care how far dilated I was I wanted this pain to go away. It was no longer bearable pain it was suffering. Pitocin is no joke. It gets the job done!

Deb came in to check me and I was at a 6. I had come in at 5ish pm and had gone from no dilation to a 6. So probably 12 ish hours of laboring. Not bad now that I reflect on it but at the time I wanted to be DONE! I talked with Deb... in between body opening contractions about my options. We decided to go with something I call the Drunk Drug. Don't remember the real name. It didn't touch the labor waves but it did make me not dread the next one as soon as the current one was over. In fact once I got the drunk drug the contractions intensified because I relaxed more and dilated further. I had to leave my beloved tub and move back to the bed to get 1/2 the meds as a shot in the arm and 1/2 through the IV. Then I had the urge to PUSH!!! What an intense feeling. Its like the urge to vomit. Your body makes it happen and it is intense. However since I wasn't fully dilated I was instructed NOT TO PUSH. How the hell do you have a feeling like that and make your body not do it. So I changed my breathing pattern to shallow and quick to keep from pushing her head against the cervix and inflaming it. If you push when the cervix isn't dilated enough you've got a situation you don't want. Your corking the opening the baby is supposed to go through. OK so while I'm desperately trying not to push during, while waiting for the epidural, I peed the bed instead. Yup, it happens. My body said not pushing the baby out... no problem we'll empty the bladder. The young, the old, the birthing... we pee the bed. Very liberating. Good thing they have these chucks pads that they take away real quick when they are "soiled".
Then the angel of mercy appeared. The anesthesiologist wearing satin white and a great set of white wings. ;-) He said a couple things to me. Blah blah blah. This was the part where he was making small talk to assess if I could hold still during a contraction as he inserted a needle in the epidural space of my SPINE!!! Before the birth I was UBER afraid of this and during this moment I wanted nothing more in life. I held still just fine. I signed the paperwork saying I would not hold him/them responsible for permanent nerve damage or etc... I grabbed the pen and clipboard like it was a piece of dark chocolate...quick get that medication flowing!

Then the dark skies opened up, the sun came out, and the little cartoon bluebird from zipadeedoda came out and joined us. No kidding. Such a difference. However, I would not change a thing! I know I shouldn't play the what if game but I wonder if I started labor on my own what would have happened. Any who...Deb checked me again 5 min after the epidural and I had dilated to 9! She turned the lights down low and for an hour we waited for the cervix to open the rest of the way and Fiona to drop. Jesse and Carol took naps and I stared around the room soooo excited to be out of pain and have her so close to being here. This was around 6am-7am.
7am pushing started. Drunk drug still in effect and no discomfort what so ever. Debs shift was over but she decided to stay for Fiona's birth :-). What a wonderful nurse. (She also came to visit me the next night. Just to say hi) So since I was medicated up I'm not sure in what order the following events happened and the further away from the birth the more I forget.
So... since I had an epidural I was now confined to the bed. I could feel my legs but they were tingling like they were asleep and I was super happy to be at the end of the labor. Deb summoned our midwife. Jesse held my left leg, Carol held my right and we used a birthing bar. It attaches to the hospital bed and gave me something to pull against during contractions when pushing. FINALLY... the midwife arrived and she had me hold these handles on the side of the bed for leverage. Then lastly we used a sheet to wrap around and I gripped the sheet ends like tug-o-war. This is when the fun started. I was signing Salt-n-pepa "push it" and other songs that pertained to our situation. I was also telling jokes and all the nurses were laughing so hard they were wiping away tears.
This is where we had a slight complication. I had a band of tissue that was criss cross over her head keeping Fiona from dropping the last little bit and as I was pushing her (with ALL MY MIGHT!!!) it was tearing and I was bleeding quite a bit. No matter... I have tons of blood. So they had to cut the tissue and stitch it as Fiona's head pushed against it. (Don't know how I would have done that during an unmedicated birth. Phew)
Then, Jessica, said as Fiona was almost out I might feel the "ring of fire". When the perinium stretches so far it BURNS. So... I started singing Johnny Cash "ring of fire". There was an uproar of laughing and I told them all to join in the singing and hadn't other women sung this before? Jessica said no they are usually focused on the birth and not a jovial as I was.... (maybe they should get the drunk drug before the epidural or be in such intense pain and be so relieved it was gone.)
Sometime in there my sister arrived and started cheering me on with Bill Cosbys. Push em out shove em out Way out. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYR9xX6DvpM) SEE THIS LINK for the video. Start at minute 5:02. (We would listen to Bill Cosby standup on tape when we were little.) One of the nurses... Sara perhaps... said OH MY THERE ARE TWO OF YOU! LOL. Such fun. :-)
Who wouldn't want to be born into a room of laughter and singing? It was amazing and the feeling afterwards was sheer bliss. Nothing even compares to it. Nothing.
Though our birth did not go as our birth plan desires foretold it really is nothing but a wishlist. Medication serves its purpose to start a labor or pain management. I have no nerve damage and the epidural didn't even hurt. So as with everything... go with the flow. Let life unravel. Abundance abounds and all that mucky love stuff beautiful babies bring.

The post labor nurses and midwife all said in the notes it was mentioned that Fiona's birth was entertaining and enjoyable. Thank you for reading our story and just so you know I will be burning a cd for my midwife and presenting it to her on our 6 week check up. Comment on facebook with any songs other than push it and ring of fire you think would be good additions to the mix.
Love and Light,
Heidi

Fiona's Birthday! Part 2/3

We pulled into Wake Med Cary Women's Pavillion parking lot after having to turn around, return home and get our insurance card. DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITHOUT YOUR INSURANCE CARD! On the way there called the doula and she said she'd meet us there. We went to registration then shown to our labor room. As I walked in I was thinking... this is where its goin down. Phew... big breath. Our nurse midwife came in, super cool high energy latin lady, talking a mile a minute with a huge smile on her face. (Glad she made the choice to forgive me for not calling sooner... I thought I had ruined the birth by pissing off the midwife. Relief!)

Key Players
Night Nurse: Deb (later to be renamed) southern draw and super sweet disposition. Loved the buckeyes Jesse made for her. He made them as I was walking up a storm earlier in the day.
Midwife: Jessica (feisty latin chica talking a mile a min and oozing with spunk).
Moi: Ushering the star of Part 3 of our story Miss Fiona via the birth canal.
Jesse: Doting, slightly anxious, and highly caffeinated husband.
Carol: quirky, calm, been around the block doula.

Jessica laid out our plan: she was to leave us alone to let me labor naturally until I needed her. We were to start a round of penicillin and get started on pitocin. (Once your water breaks they like you to deliver the baby within 24 hours... clock was ticking and with no strong contractions on my own labor had to be induced.)
Two things happened next to advance our story 1. physically settling in and 2. Emotionally getting into rhythm with what was unfolding.
Physically: We got the IV in (the back of my hand. Nurse said I was GENEROUS with my blood as she put the IV in. I could feel it wet and running down the back of my hand... all about how you word it folks) and got the belly monitors on... one to monitor muscular contraction and one to monitor Fiona's heartbeat.
Emotionally: I'm glad getting the antibiotic gave me some time to settle into the situation. Wrapping my mind around the fact that contractions hadn't started and I had done everything I could have done and would not have a natural birth. Now it was about being in the moment in that space and time and focus. I went through about 15 minutes talking and crying a little with Carol about how I was upset that I hadn't labored at home how I'd envisioned and was mourning the loss of that story I had told myself and been comforted by for MANY months. I made a choice to let it go and feel joy for the what was actually happening instead. (the athlete adapts)

Pitocin is the synthetic for of the hormone oxytocin and is used to get contractions going and in a pattern. One big difference is oxytocin can cross the blood brain barrier and helps the woman birthing have feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Pitocin does not... it just induces contractions. (boo!)

The pitocin was started at a low dose... a 2 and was to be increased by Deb every two hours. Some doctors do not do a gradual increase and bring on labor full throttle asap. Thankful that was not the case for me. Contractions started... I found I needed to have my face buried in the corner where the mattress met the rails with IPOD in one ear turned up LOUD (found this helped with pain while getting tattooed and highly recommend it) during the contraction (kind of like a sprint) and Jesse and Carol in the other ear cuing me to relax, drop my shoulders breathe. Over the next couple hours I changed to being on all fours on the bed then sitting on the ball next to the bed. Each posture I had to have Jesse right there by my left ear and IPOD in the right. Pit was increased each half hour and at 10 or so we moved to the tub which Carol and I agreed would happen during transition.... last stage of active labor. The tub was wonderful.... filled with warm water up to my neck, flameless candles, and soothing music. I had my feet toward the spout, Jesse on the right edge of the tub leaning down to me soothing and cuing my relaxation to the right ear but gently holding my head through contractions. Carol was at the foot of the tub and was pretty much ordered by me to moan with me so I could match her tone and breath rate. This part I had envisioned. As the contractions became stronger and I felt my pelvis opening as Fiona was pushed lower with each wave of muscular contraction my Ooooooo I was doing to get through the contraction was harder and harder to maintain. My contractions were not forming a consistent pattern. I had two close together than a break then two close together. I tried telling Deb that the pattern was just fine. I liked the break and so what if she wanted them all the same timing apart. I felt I was doing just fine and the hip opening life bringing pressure was ENOUGH FOR ME! But.... Deb upped the pit and I pouted... rather sobbed. Thats when the darkness was upon us (Its always darkest before the dawn) and I lost my cool and my focus on birthing naturally and changed to convincing these two people who I told time and time again my plan for bringing Fiona into the world... I had changed my mind! I wanted pain medication!!!! STAT! Thats when Carol brought on her... Can you get through one more contraction. I said yes... but I don't want to. Can I yes. Do I have to... Not when there are DRUGS within walking distance! Carol was not budging. I moved on to Jesse. I looked deep into his eyes and pleaded. He just told me several times he knew it was hard to get through but he knows I'm strong and can do anything I put my mind to. YES I thought you're right and right now I'm 100% putting my mind to getting some flipping pain medication! I'm not a hero. No one will care if I have drugs or not. BJ Palmer (the founder of chiropractic) WILL NOT roll over in his grave if I get the meds. I could tell he was starting to feel uncomfortable with watching me as my body went through contractions and the every ounce and animalistic response to what was unfolding. The oooooo's I did through them turned to a grunting sort of body growl. Uncontrollable response to Fiona getting lower and the opening of the cervix. I switched tactics. Trying to tell Jesse this natural birth was all his idea. I never wanted it and why was he making me go through this. Devious I know... but I was pulling out all the stops.
TBC....

Fiona's Birthday! Part 1/3

Pre-hospital
The alarm went off from my phone 8 am Saturday morning. During the night I had had the most intense night sweat of the entire pregnancy. I had awoke in a hair soaking sweat that turned to chills as my hair dried. As I had most nights during the pregnancy I made my way downstairs to check in on Facebook and get lost in pinterest for a bit. Unlike other midnight wakings I laid down on the couch to finish out the evening. (back to the alarm) So... the alarm rang, I sat up... and gush! I thought.... I either peed my pants or my water has broken. I wasn't sure. So smell test... nope doesn't smell like pee. Consult the internet. Change pants. Put on new pants laid down and coughed... gush! YUP>>> MY WATER BROKE! Holy Cow we're gonna have a baby soon. :-)

I had Saturday hours scheduled at the office and I was feeling good so, I alerted Jesse of what was going down and went in to the office. Meanwhile he was rushing around the house packing and nervously trying to gather all the items I had listed to add to our already packed birth day bags. (Good thing we had finally installed the car seat the day before!) As I saw patients the fluid continued to flow... very slowly and no contractions. Before I saw my first patient I texted my doula to inform her of our status. My second patient was a new patient and I didn't finish his history and exam until after 10. At that point I had a little break to talk with the doula. (Didn't cross my mind to call the midwives?. Don't know why... oops.) Contractions still not coming.
The doula said leave the office right now you've got to get this labor going and you're not going to do that working.

Drove home. Jesse was anxiously cleaning, tidying, waiting to pack us all into the car. I then told him I needed to get contractions going. So I pumped both breasts with the breast pump and then we went to Lake Shelley to walk. It was super warm out and I decided to warm my favorite pregnancy pants: heather grey, t-shirt material. As we're walking... gush, gush, gush. Warm like I'm peeing my pants and tons of people out all who probably thought I was peeing my pants as the gush was too much for the pad I was wearing. I decided to keep the mantra of "Peeing your pants is cool!" and kept going. LOL!

We came home after about 3 TIRING MILES! I changed my outfit to a tank and a wrap skirt and started walking the neighborhood. I had such tunnel vision... get the labor going that I still hadn't called the midwife. Finally around 3-4 and at least 2-3 miles later our doula said... its time to call the midwife. So we called and she was NOT happy with me. She said your water broke when? and you decided not to call me why? She said come in we need to check the baby and see where you're at. I still hadn't had any hard contractions. They were super mild and I was convinced I had... with all my training... escaped the pain of labor everyone talks about (enter boisterous studio audience laughter here) Jesse packed up the car and we headed to Wake Med Cary. TBC....