Nine months worth

Leading up to the birth of our baby girl my motto has been to train for the birth like I would train for an athletic event. Including nutrition, physical, and emotional readiness. Here is how I addressed all three.
I'm starting this post as I'm 38 weeks pregnant (pregnancy is 40ish weeks long) and feeling mostly good all the time and have finished it during the 39th week. Sometimes I feel great... sometimes not so great. The not so great includes being super tired and muscular low back pain from being on my feet with a cute little bowling ball in my uterus. Carrol our Doula gave us a wonderful gift of a huge knee high gym sock filled with rice. You put the rice sock in the microwave for 3 min and viola a glorious muscular pain reliever that is moldable to many areas. I also take a warm bath/shower almost everyday to relieve muscle/postural strain. The best is to let the warm water run right on the low back.... ahhhhhhh relaxing!

Our Labor Team:

• Midwife/OB (Triangle OB/GYN) practice that is about 20 min away. (Triangle OB/GYN) It is worth it to me to travel to a practice I feel respects my birth wishes and treats a population that has a similar birth plan as mine. Meaning natural child birth. I have a favorite CNM I would love to be at our birth! I will leave it up to Lady Luck to have her be the one on call when the day comes. I enjoyed each midwife but I connected with one and I just feel she is pretty much the bees knees.
  
• Doula (Carol Horrocks) we've had weekly classes to prepare. Best part of the classes was the other soon-to-be moms I met. We had a good time learning/preparing together. In the classes we also got to meet with a lactation consultant and a massage therapist who gave us birthing day postures and relaxation techniques.
  

Other Practitioners I have included in our care:

• Chiropractic Care (Atlas Chiropractic) every 2-4 weeks depending on how much growing the baby was doing and how active I was. Helped with pubic bone pain, low back discomfort, upper back discomfort, rib discomfort, sleep, sense of well-being.
  
• Pre-natal massage therapy (Gina Stevens: Relax2Recharge) probably 4-5 sessions. It has been more frequent in the last trimester.
  
• Reflexology (Phaedra Neely: Soul Journey) foot and facial once a month until last trimester then only foot because I couldn't recline in the chair anymore.
  
• Acupuncture (Askeland Chiropractic) 4 sessions. The article I read said acupuncture is best done starting the 36th week of pregnancy and 3-5 sessions.

Exercise:

• Walking (sometimes just walking around target up and down the aisles)
  
• Swimming 1-3 times per week (I feel the best in the water)
  
• On all fours pelvic tilts 20-60 per day
• Squatting for 5 plus min/day and most every time I need to pick up something low to the ground
  
• sitting criss-cross-applesauce as much as possible
• Stretching, stretching, stretching.

Nutrition:

I take an Enzyme Therapy whole foods pre-natal concoction of protein, fats, calcium, flavonoids, antioxidants a digestive formula specific for me... oh and adrenal support. This helps me not only get the building blocks I need for our baby and me but ensures I am breaking them down and getting them where they need to go and getting the byproducts out of my body. During the pregnancy I had bouts where i needed more protein digestion (nausea), kidney support (swelling), to up my protein (caused sugar cravings when I didn't have enough), more alkaline minerals because of the sugar cravings and indulgences I was loosing my alkaline balance and ended up not sleeping well from shifting into a sympathetic fight or flight pattern. This sugar binge also effected my flora balance in my gut and the lining of my urinary tract so I took care of those with specific formulas too. Of course, my hips hurt more when my diet has been bad... too many carbs/sugar/sweets (pro-inflammatory).

Emotion:

Listening to relaxation tracks and pregnancy specific affirmations developed by the hypnobabies company has provided many hours of breathing and focus for me. Having a chill husband who (for moments when I doubt my ability to keep a child alive let alone.... parent) looks me lovingly in my soul and says... "honey, we'll figure it out." Having a support system of other women who I can talk to about my concerns/thoughts. Meditating on nature has provided comfort... knowing that my body knows what to do and I just have to trust it and the team I have put together. Keeping close that a seed doesn't know it will become a tree, doesn't have the "plans", and grows accordingly just as my body has changed throughout the pregnancy without me controlling it... so too the birth will come and go.

A big one here at the end of pregnancy has been a filter and humor for all the "stories" others have shared with me about their pregnancies. Please... if I have something I don't enjoy about this birth/pregnancy do not let me pass that misery on to an innocent expecting mom. Since I've been swimming at the Y it seems the locker room is trolling grounds for these women. They see me teeter tottering to get into and out of my swimming gear and they pounce. They ask me a couple questions then let me have it with their to-dos, don't do's, and birth stories... or myths they've heard. What we should do is as the womanly race shower expectant moms with praise, love, adoration, encouragement, support... not tell them our battle scars. Let us mother each other.

My favorite story is from a 90+ woman in the locker room who told me in a very serious manner not to raise my hands over my head or it would slip the umbilical cord around the babies neck. IT TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD not to slowly raise my arms to shoulder height and tease her with bringing them up and down a couple of inches before I threw them toward the sky with jazz hands. Haha! I think I'm funny. (Someone has to.)

Other comfort measures:

• Get-maternal tea (whole foods) delicious (purple canister)
  
• Yogi pregnancy tea (love the sayings)
  
• Chamomile tea
  
• Decaf coffee (I love the smell of fresh brewed coffee and didn't want to give it up. My doc said I can have "two hits" a day of caffeine but... I try for decaf or a small cup of half coffee half milk. I added cows milk back into my diet during the pregnancy. Started craving it so... I started drinking it. Must need the fats.?. Good job hypothalamus identifying the foods I need to get the right nutrients!
  
• Lavender oil- for the scent and skin nourishment.
  
• Kinesiotape on my belly. I gave myself an umbilical hernia from lifting something I shouldn't have. (oops!)
  
• Support of family and friends. Should have made this one number one! Love you all.
• Sitting on a physioball at the office instead of a chair or stool.
• Letting my pre pregnancy diet have more slack in it as far as indulgences are concerned. My thought... I'm just replacing the alcohol I drank (not excessive) that turned to sugar in my body with a different form of sugar. Ehhh. Whatever you tell yourself to justify... right? We'll see if she comes out with a little cupcake for a heiny.
• The rice sock mentioned earlier providing moist heat that feels oh-so-good!
  

Book list

• Birthing from within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz
  
• Pregnancy Childbirth and the Newborn Penny Simkin Janet Whalley Ann Kepler
• The Baby Book William Sears, Martha Sears
• What to expect when you're expecting Heidi Murkoff
• Husband Coached Childbirth (yup I read it... gave him the highlights)
• Secrets of the baby whisperer Tracy Hogg
• there was one one breast feeding.... can't remember
• a couple books and research on vaccinations
  
• a couple books and other sources on breastfeeding
• a couple books and other sources on attachment parenting

(you can see why I need that adrenal support... very Type A personality ;-))

Do I think reading these helped... yes and no. Yes because I'm a physician and see patients and now have a better knowledge base. No I don't think I needed to read all of them and maybe/probably won't do me any good. The best is to follow my body and support my needs as the pregnancy progresses. Listen to what I need. Not what some book or the internet tells me what to do. But... my style is to go down the rabbit hole and then pull back and assess where I'd like to be knowing all the information.

DVD's

• several childbirth videos during our baby class with our Doula. One was a cesarean video that I woke up in a sweat over! I'm glad I'm not a surgeon. I know there is a need for them but.... wow.
  
• The Business of Being Born
  
• Comfort Measures Penny Simkin
• Brazilian squatting women (wide eyed... watching! These women are my birthing heroines!) Seriously! They squat, a baby comes out, then they're up and on their way. SUPER WOMEN!!!!! None of this pity party whoa is me crap... they get it done.
  

Below is our birth plan. We all know that you can plan plan plan and its all a crap shoot anyway. I think the planning has helped focus my mind. However, I must remain flexible to what actually happens. I know I've done everything I can to prepare. I also reserve the right to change my mind if I want pain medication.

My hope... a smooth healthy no/to low intervention birth where I feel pain but am able to manage it.

Our Birth Plan

Birth Plan Triangle OB/GYN

Heidi and Jesse Kline Wake Med Cary

Birth team

• We request that the minimum number of staff necessary for an optimal outcome be included on the birth team, no residents or students.
• We would like Jesse and our Doula, Carol Horrocks, to be present throughout labor and birth.
• No matter what situation arises during labor, birth or postpartum, Jesse and I expect to be an important part of the decision-making team. We expect to take part in any discussion of, and to give permission for, any type of medical intervention being considered.

Pain Relief

· We would like a drug free birth. Do not offer pain medication. I will request it if the need arises.

· The freedom to use the following pain management techniques: partner support, massage, changes in position, relaxation and breathing, bath or shower, use of hot and cold packs.

During Labor

· Limited vaginal exams.

· Freedom to change positions, walk, use the bathtub, and the restroom as needed during my labor.

· Intermittent external monitoring of the fetal heart rate.

· To drink as desired.

· If an IV is needed, I prefer a Heparin style lock.

· The room as calm and quiet as possible with dimmed lights.

· To try for intact perineum with massage, oil, support, hot compresses, controlled pushing, and positions to promote perineal stretching. I would rather have a tear than an episiotomy.

· As long as the baby is tolerating labor well, to labor at my own pace without time constraints.

After Birth

· The baby to be placed skin-to-skin on my chest immediately, with a blanket for warmth.

'To breastfeed the baby immediately to aid the natural delivery of the placenta.

· Husband to cut the cord only after it has stopped pulsating.

· Husband and I should be present for all newborn procedures.

· The administration of eye ointment, immunizations, and vitamin K to be postponed for at least an hour and/or until the baby has had the opportunity to nurse and our family time to bond.

· Breast-feeding on demand - no artificial nipples, pacifiers, sugar water or formula please.

· 24 hour rooming in.

· Please provide ice packs for pain and swelling relief immediately after birth.

· No procedures or tests are to be done on the baby without the consent of Heidi and/or Jesse.

Thank you so much for being a part of this wonderful and beautiful event in our lives.

(end of birth plan)

I gave our birth plan to our OB this week. Her response: No problem we won't offer you any drugs. My response... OH SHIT! We're really in this like we planned... great. (sheepish grin) So I gritted my teeth and smiled and said... Thank you. I'm scared of the unexpected. I also know I'm stronger than I give myself credit for and not knowing when and how it is going down is the hardest part. My Little 5 coach told my husband he should be ready for me to swear at him as I did in the pit each year during our races or during training. I also let our doula know. She said whatever works! I'll let you know.

Next blog entry will be... how it all came together!

Pumpkin

Everything pumpkin! YUM!!!!
I went to the Teeter Totter (Harris Teeter) last Friday to pick up supplies for pasta salad and while pursuing the isles I stumbled upon pureed pumpkin! Yay!

I bought four cans and the spices listed on the can to make pumpkin pie.

Several weeks ago Jesse and I had been on a hunt for pumpkin puree and had come home empty handed. So when I saw some I grabbed them up. Since then we've had pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, spiced pumpkin latte, and pumpkin butter. Isn't fall wonderful?

In pregnancy news. I think I've finally figured out how to stop my hips from burning at night. BIG CHEER! A couple months ago it started and adding a pillow between my knees got rid of it... hooray fire free sleeping. Then they started up again with a vengeance! So much so that I had to get up and walk around to put the fire out. So what do you do when you can't sleep on your back, sides, or stomach. Yup, don't sleep. Toss and turn. (which makes baby either annoyed or excited because I get some punches and/or kicks. I imagine her going WWWHOOOOAAAA! each time like I do around turns at increased speeds. Which, when riding with either my husband or myself, happens often. Love you honey :-) WWWHOOOOAAAA! ) Secretly... well not so secretly... get mad at your husband because he's sleeping just fine and has no idea what you're going through to grow his child! and if you woke him he'd say.... this is what you wanted honey. Poo. Humph! So what was the answer????? another pillow. Yesser, Two medium sized pillows anchored between the knees. Holy Crap my hips are widening that much? Oh man. Well good because a certain person has to pass between them and I need not forget this is a good thing.
Can I just tell you how excited I am to meet this kid. Wondering what her personality is going to be and thinking of her childhood and reflecting on mine. Great stuff. Except... the teenage years. I remember what I was like. (pause it fear of my future altercations with teenage daughter in belly (eyes widened)) I remember my mom saying "You'll have a daughter just like you." my response.... "We'll thats where you're wrong! I'm not giving you grandchildren because you've made me babysit sooo much I hate kids and am not having any!" Wow. Can't wait for that part of our lives. For now I'll think about snuggles, giggles, diapers, and feedings.... and hope she isn't born with the set of lungs her mom has.
Continuing to get exercise daily through walking, water aerobics, elliptical, wts, some light cycling, and yoga. Trying to rotate different foods through my diet so she'll have experienced different tastes.

Love and pumpkin for all!
Heidi

Get up... again.

Its been just over a year since I moved to Raleigh, NC. Its been almost one month since I obtained a state license to practice my beloved chiropractic trade. Its been 23 weeks that our baby girls has been growing in my belly. Its been 9 months since Jesse moved here to join me from Indiana. Its been one month since we found our next house that will include space for our little bambini. Its been 7 months since we laid our furry son Dink to rest. What a year!

Our lives... filled with heart growth and withering, expansion and contraction, the ever continuing rise and fall of our breath, our foot steps, our heads from the pillow.

The choice each day to live with a smile on our face and a song in our heart even when inside there are parts of us that are scared to continue down the path we've chosen. A path we hope will continue to fill our spirits and enlighten our lives with meaning.


I will not go gently into the night.
I will stand up for the life I love.
I will continue to dream and reach for those dreams.
I will draw strength from those who support me, who have gone before me.
I will go the extra mile and sing the whole way.
I am willing to get up again and again, again and again.
So will you. (Promise)

Love and light,
Heidi

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”
- Anonymous

You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.” – Rabindaranath Tagore.

Gestation

I'm glad gestation period for humans is 9 months. There is a lot to prepare for or would it be better to be one of those women who don't know their pregnant until they're in the hospital for abdominal pain and out comes a baby. So much joy in the soul searching of becoming a parent, building a person within my body. But... what if the gift of life was granted without the worry of the unknown or the financial or other concerns that I've come to drift to in my journey to becoming "Mommy". I work daily to connect with those concerns and sift through their validity or myth. One of the continuing questions taught to my by Byron Katie... is it true? Do I know it to be absolutely true? Where would my emotions be without that thought my mind has conjured out of nothingness. Which in this case the nothingness which seeds these questions is rooted in my beliefs planted by society, peers, mentors, parents, entertainment. I've had many memories to discuss with siblings, questions for my parents about my childhood, questions to Jesse about his childhood. Internal seeking about my ability, rather, my capacity for love/loss, desire to continually let go and let life become something beautiful by being in the moment.

A wonderful guide in preparing has been a gift from a once met friend who was passing through from one country to another and we shared lunch with our mutual friend who is a wonderful Reflexologist. She left for me a book titled "Birthing from Within" by Pam England. I am only in the beginning of my journey but I have stumbled on several unknown fears already.

Through soul-searching
and listening more deeply
to the woman I was working with,
I finally understood that women
have to prepare for birth
in their heart and soul,
not in their head.
And that giving birth is something a woman does
in her body,
not in her head. - Pam England

Goes right back to one of my listed wishes for living life guidelines. Following my gut. Not my head. What I like is the emotional work the book is leading me through. I pick up the science books and feel bored... yeah yeah week blah then blah. I think its wonderful the stages that are happening but it doesn't give me connection or substance for this spiritual journey I am on. My job: to prepare a home, not just the physical aspects. To nourish a life, not just food.

Another pearl has been audio tracks through hypnobabies suggested by a chiro classmate of mine. So great at daily affirmations, exploring fears and creating confidence. (last weeks discovery)

All this and we're only 14ish weeks in. Phew.

It is a gift to look under the bed and discover the monster. For the monster lives in our minds and can give us the questions that answer what we need to make that next step into ourselves.


Sharing my journey connecting our lives. My heart to yours.
Heidi

Finding a Doula

A Doula is a labor assistant. The word "Doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves". Doula now refers to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth.

My very good friend Julie was going through her doula training while we were in chiropractic school together. She and I audited a birth class together at a hospital near our chiropractic school in Illinois. While in that class I was very surprised at what the women who were VERY pregnant did not know about birth and birthing and their options and choosing what their experience was going to be. For many of them this was the only class they were taking. Most just shrugged and said that the nurses and doctors would take the reins. UM>>> THE NURSES AND DOCTORS AREN'T HAVING THE BABY.... YOU ARE!!!!! HELLO! I knew that was not for me.

So many questions like cutting the cord, having our miracle child with us immediately after birth, and many a question about "protocol" that the doula will help us navigate.

Most importantly for me I want her to be there for Jesse so he can be there for me. I really like what the doula we met with today said. She is the flight attendant who remains calm in all situations. In birth there can be and will be many things that happen that you are wondering.... and might send you into a panic... which will prolong the labor (not wanted) and she is there to guide you through. Breath by breath and keep you and your support partner focused on the birth and not what is going on around you.

Another part I liked is that with a doula I will feel more comfortable laboring at home for a longer period of time. Home is where I am comfortable and familiar. Remember my friend Julie? She had her daughter at home. AWESOME!!! I'm going for the next best thing.

Research shows having a doula can result in a shorter labor with few complications, reduce negative feelings about one's childbirth experience, reduce the need for pitocin, forceps or vacuum extraction and cesarean birth, and reduce the mothers need for pain medication and/or epidural. (Hell yeah! I'm in!)

Our doula... (I guess I really did like her if I'm already calling her that) said the main thing is for me to relax and let go and let the birth happen. I tell you what that will be our toughest challenge. I like to be in control and make things happen not let them happen. I think way too much and get myself and my mind all wrapped up in what ifs. So we have six months to train my mind. I'll be much more diligent on my daily meditations and my yoga practice. Once I got through the stress of our move I let it peter off and I notice a difference.

What a journey.

Love and light,
Heidi

Turning 30 years old

I started this list a couple months ago thinking I'd get to 30 points that I would like to share in honor of thirty years I've been blessed to live. 30 points I did not reach. Here are the points that made it onto the list. My wish on my birthday is to live by these each day.... (a girl can dream)

• Interacting/observing nature grounds and energizes you. Seek this medicine daily.
  
• Trust your gut.
• When you make big changes or there is a huge emotional event you want to alter your appearance somehow. ie... cut/dye my hair or get a tattoo. (I'd like to stop this)
  
• Its ok to feel sorry for yourself every once and a while but do it then leave it. The past is done. Learn from it and move on. If you don't learn from it the same lesson will present itself in another situation.
• The worst in you has come out and inflicted pain with words towards others and pain from action to myself while being intoxicated with alcohol. I am sorry for this character flaw. If you have been on the receiving end of this I am truly sorry. I hope I have learned this lesson for the last time.
  
• The best in you has been discovered/uncovered when you have been faced with an obstacle perceived as impassable/impermeable.
• Love who you are. You're guaranteed to be with yourself all the time
• Be patient with yourself and others as you would be a young child. We are all learning new experiences as a child would everyday.
• If you hope for it and dream for it and consistently work on bringing your dreams into focus you'll get what you ask for so choose your dream. Don't let it choose you... be conscious in the life you create.
  
• Fall in love with reading again and again.
  
• Don't drink orange juice after brushing your teeth!
• Continue to grow through life transitions. High school to college to professional school to moving to Indiana to moving to Raleigh. Each transition allowed you the opportunity to shed the parts of yourself you'd outgrown and grow into the women you are today. Continue to challenge what you think you can do.
  
• The older you get... the less you know.
  
• To be loved, to be heard, and to express joy in our unique way is a recipe for a great life.

Love to you all. Thanks for letting me share my life with you.

Melding

Melding: the act of melting and welding something. To mend and heal. (Heidi definition not widely acknowledged)
Yesterday something huge happened! My family, my childhood family, got together and shared a meal. The day I had hoped and dreamed about came true. Its been a VERY long time since we've sat around a table. Since.... before they moved from Indiana to North Carolina. If you were there you know the details of the simple laughs and joy we had. I really thought it might not happen to get my mom and dad at the same table. Not that they both are unwilling but we try to protect the ones we love from hurt and sometimes that means we are keeping them from growing and bringing peace to their lives and maybe ours. It shouldn't matter what others got out of the evening but for me it grew peace. Like a vine traversing an opening in my soul. Since I've moved closer to my family I have healed in many ways and I am very thankful. It takes a wonderful support system to walk into barriers you don't want to face but, its completely worth it. Thank you to my husband who has listened to me analyze this aspect of my life in a million different ways. For me it was EPIC! Meaning a heroic feat.

Calm after the storm

Its over! Phew! The testing has ended. Now we wait. I enjoyed Davenport, IA more this time than last. Perhaps it was the company. Jesse and I stayed in a casino hotel that turned out to be really nice. We had a relaxing time leaving the hotel only to eat and when I went to the testing site. It was nice to board up with my honey and have some time to review the material before going into the test. Oh and we got to borrow a parent-in-laws car... a MINI COOPER! I love those cars. Zip around town in one of those baby's and let your hair down sometime. Its fun. :-)
Day 1: Arrival to test site 8am. Sequestered in room one for 40-60 min. I was called up in the second testing group. I recognized one person from the last site. A fellow who was a practicing doc working on passing his part IV to be able to practice in Florida. Last test he was next to me during the x-ray portion and was completely stressed out and unable to rein himself in. He was a shaky, sweaty mess. I thought to myself... ah crap I hope I'm not next to that guy again. Turns out I wasn't. Fate in my favor! Woo Hoo! I get to the radiology room line up with my back facing the view box and take a deep breath. Begin. Each station is 4 minutes with 15 sec between to move to the next station. Three cases through I'm thinking... not too bad, I can do this, Rock and Roll! This test is mine. :-) There are two out of ten that take me the entire time to deliberate the best choices from the options but mostly I'm feeling ahead of the game. Then... it's over. I feel exhilarated this was the portion I was most dreading and had spent most of the past couple months studying. So to have it over was a huge relief. And, it was only 10:30 in the morning instead of noon like I was told. We were sequestered in a separate room for a half hour more then let go.
Jesse and I headed out for PIZZA for lunch on the Illinois side of the river. It was delicious. Happy girl when I get my hands on some tasty pizza.
Study time for day two. I had gone through the ortho tests a couple times and hadn't looked at the adjustments for a while. Neuro, heart, lung exams.... reviewed while watching wedding singer. Nice! We had dinner at a little water front area in Davenport. Grilled cheese and tortilla soup for me. Yum. Back to the room and headed to bed.
Day two: Arrival to test site 7am. Poor Jesse had to drop me off since he needed the car for check out at 11. I was told I wouldn't leave the room we would be sequestered in until around 4:30pm. (That is exactly what happened.)
We had to get checked by security and our lunches inspected. They didn't let me bring my library book in but, luckily someone brought a couple movies to pass the time post test.
The test lasted over two hours. 25 stations 5 min each with a 1.5 min between for passing time. I started at station 5 which is a history taking station. Moved through the ortho/neuro/exam stations to the adjusting stations and back to the last two history stations and all the post encounter stations. Relief again. This time I didn't have the pounding headache I had ending the last exam.
Sequestered for several hours while we wait for other groups to go so we don't give them a heads up on what to expect or call our friends in California and spill the beans. Its all very regimented. However, I rather liked the Davenport site over the Atlanta site. Maybe its the mid-west that has me feeling more comfort.
We watched a couple episodes of The Office, Tommy Boy, and part of The Hangover. I was glad I had opted to buy a piece of chocolate cake in celebration. I even licked the cellophane clean. :-) We were let go at 4:30. Jesse picked me up and we headed back to Elgin, IL.
Joel (father-in-law) made us pizza and a salad for dinner. Pizza again. Heck Yeah! Yum.
I headed to bed at 9pm and slept until 10:30am! Holy Cow! How's that for recuperation?
All in all I feel I did well. We'll find out for sure end of June!

Growing out hair

Updated photos from last month. I can definitely see a difference! Yay! Its a small difference but still it can be seen. Its hard waiting to see a change in a month. I feel like the last cut was so rigid. But... at the time I felt rigid. Blech I'm over it. There is quite a ways to go but we are to a good start and as Mary P would say... "well begun is half done."

Tomorrow Jesse and I are headed for our vacation in IOWA! Where for half of the time I will be strutting my chiropractic doctor skills for the evaluation that is named Part IV boards. This time the outcome shall be much improved and the sun shall shine and the birds shall sing! Oh you better believe that will happen.

Thats the story

5/9
So remember when I said a change was brewing. Well, could have said... Mark my words. The news is
We're Expecting!
and I always follow it up with Holy *^$@!
Waves of joy, anxiety, overwhelming awe, giving way to anxiety again.
Whats to be anxious about?
1. stretch marks
2. Will I feel claustrophobic with a huge belly
3. I have a person depending on me for life
4. I'm building a person. I've never done that before. Will I do it wrong?
5. Its coming out of where? Oh MY!!!
6. So many decisions... a whole new world to think about
7. $$$$$$$

5/11
Just made a toad in a hole for lunch. Its when you have half a bagel and put an egg to cook in the middle. I ended up under cooking it and it was runny... well a lot runny and it totally made me feel nauseous! Blech. Yuck! Ewwwwe!
Had my first hormonal cry break today. Was on the phone with my mom and after we hung up I just felt overwhelmed and had to cry big fat tears. The feeling passed and then all was well.
Feeling tired. Just read a blog from a woman who has had three miscarriages around week seven. I'm only at week five now so that made me feel... scared.

5/17 (six weeks)
Woke up feeling queasy today. No doubt I need to drink more water and improve the quality of food I'm eating. I ate a lot of heavy food over the past week and I think my kidneys are having trouble filtering which leads to nausea. I'm about six weeks along. Feeling tired and wondering if others can tell by looking at me. First pair of work pants put back in the closet today. Unable to button them. Luckily I have looser pairs to move into thanks to my mom cleaning out her closet a couple months back and me snagging some essential pieces. Stepped on the scale. It was two pounds less than I thought it would be. I'm loosing weight instead of gaining. Weird. I've been eating like a champ. Tobias (as Jesse and I call our little one) must be packing it in. Seriously the quantity going in and out are not proportionate at all. This is not like anything I've experienced before. Also... the queasy went away after I had a banana and an egg this morning. Of note: I don't miss the taste of coffee but, I miss the morning ritual and smell of a freshly made french press full.
I'm noticing a heightened sense of being tense in dangerous situations. Specifically, driving. I have become hyper aware and hyper paranoid of accidents. Also, my body is physically rejecting food that might be dangerous like raw chicken and raw eggs. I've been trying to get in good sources of protein and the precooked form makes me feel blech. After its cooked much better. So my bodies protective mechanisms are in FULL ALERT!!! Survival of the fittest bread into my being now revealing this inner source of knowledge I had no idea was there.

5/20
Taught two cycle classes this week so far. I have one scheduled for tomorrow also. After my class last night I had some spotting which, really freaked me out!!!! But, everything I read said that is normal and today I called the ob office and they said that can happen after exercise and with dehydration. So I'm going to hydrate!!!! and chill out during my cycle class. Phew. I'm still concerned but I feel more at ease. This whole mommy thing can set off quite the alarm.

5/22
Just opened the fridge to get ingredients to make a breakfast smoothie that quickly turned to dry hurling into the sink. The best part is "I'm too sexy" was playing on the computer.

Inner conversation

Heidi,
What a perfect day to play in the rain! As a child you loved jumping in puddles and getting muddy. My desire for sending you this song is that you find the music playful and it encourages a smile on your face or rhythm to your day. Its not a message for Africa as we both know I don't have insight or a base of knowledge for that. What I do have is joy to pass on the perspective of a light heart. Remember what Professor Rosch said about experiencing the life you have through a joyful heart. No physical change is necessary just an attitude adjustment.
Stop taking yourself so seriously.
Remember when you were a teenager and Mom would wake you up? You'd come down stairs and be in a foul mood because you'd stayed up to late talking on the phone. She would engage you in conversation... you would look at her and have fire and disgust and just a down right bad attitude. What would she say? "Heidi, go back to your bed and get up on the right side. You need an attitude adjustment!" You knew she was right. Stomping all the way back to your room. Well this is one of those moments. You are your own guide now. You're sick of studying this same material, you think its unfair, you feel disappointed at the results of the last test and I can feel you're about to throw yourself a fit and on and on your complaints go. Stop! Breathe! Be easy! Yes... some adults do still throw fits but, that doesn't change the outcome. A year from now it will all be in the past. Can you think of a year ago and what was going on then. Yet here you are placing one foot in front of the other just like everyone else. Instead be grateful for the opportunity, turn up the joy! Go play in the rain. Sing out loud. Dance like a fool.
Remember I love you. Always.
Heidi

Reflecting on my inner light. Trying to kindle further depth.
Knowing what I am is every moment leading to now.
Feeling the ocean like expanse of thought as I settle with the world creating me and me creating the world. The health of the earth nourishes my cells creating what I need and want to live. All I have and all I am is woven from the sustenance of the earth. Therefore, we are one.

You are not alone.

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

- Paulo Coelho, from his best-selling book The Alchemist.

WOW!!! This struck me deeply when I read it today. So much so, I jotted it down in my journal and I've posted it here. I feel I need to keep reading it to get the full breadth and weight of the words to sink in my consciousness. Did I really stumble on this for chance... probably but it is meaningful so I'm going to rif off of it.
When Jesse got the opportunity to work at TCAs new campus in Raleigh we were both super psyched. I had been longing to be near my family and honestly... really despised the Indiana winters. There were two Heidi's summer and winter.
I kept telling my patients all the details that went into our choice and we would agree sounds like it was meant to be. So the beginners luck fits here. And so the story goes.
The task at hand: to show I have mastered the skills I need to realize my dream.
Sloughing off layers of sludge and soot accumulated to keep me in the holding pattern for my role I had created. Each layer needing pried off and scrubbed clean revealing liveliness, creativity, wonder and sometimes heartache.
This in between time as I am traversing my "desert" I have had an opportunity to go within and seek what emotional blocks are keeping me from growing, what I thought I had to have that I don't, love for what is. We end in a couple weeks after my literal test. I am confident this will mark the end of this chapter and will reveal the gifts of the next. I am not there yet but I have an optimistic spirit.
I take comfort in the words sited because it shows I am not alone in my pursuit. You are here too. Striving to realize your dream. Each of us working toward a life of happiness expressed in our individual way. Keep up the effort. Be you, unique, beautiful, comfortable in your skin and happy to be headed in the direction you are taking.
Love and light,
Heidi

Bikeride through Raleigh, NC

Enjoy life with adventures and new discoveries. :-)

The true worth of improving things is in the little achievements of the day

I was talking to my good friend Brenden earlier today. He finally stopped mid conversation and said "Stop setting yourself up for failure!"
He was referring to my muttering of concerns about the upcoming exam. I think I do this self sabotage for two reasons.
1. The thought of failure gives me the motivation to continue my studies with fresh energy. Allowing me a new way to inject joy into the process not the goal.
2. Each time I hear myself say it I have to realize it is a possibility.

HOWEVER, every author I am cherishing currently says taking away the second reason creates its inability to exist and if I keep thinking it it gives it energy to manifest.

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?

What about the cliche saying our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond our imaginations.

Because.... it is difficult to wipe away our minds repetition. The power is in giving more energy to the desired outcome than the fear of the failure. My thought of being happy here living close to the coast and the mountains, our future as a family, my dreams of the future here. Versus not passing this current hurdle. Which is more powerful?

We/I/U must remember we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go as our moods do. If you don't pay attention to it and give it an action it changes.

"Its in the preparation for the exam not the exam itself." Which leads us back to the title of todays blog. The little improvements made throughout the day. The moments of giving more love. The choice for better nutrients entering your body. The choice to breathe life into a moment rather than take life from it. The true worth of improving things is in the little achievements of the day.

Whatever challenge you are facing today. No issue is too small. Make little improvements. (and remember you can't change someone else you can only change you. Your approach, your attitude, your thought pattern.)

Love and Light,
Heidi

Today

Today.... I am content. Content to be me.
This being in this space with these obstacles of love, obstacles of learning, of joy.
Today I observe and affirm by being in all that I am.

Light and Love.

Growing hair out

I'm ready to grow my hair out again.
This means I'm feeling more grounded in this space.
Every time I am shedding into a new skin I cut my hair off.
The first time was when my mom and sister took a trip without me. I know now they needed time together and it wasn't to exclude me but... that is how I felt. So when they were gone I drove myself to great clips (I was 16) and chopped my hair off. The next time was in chiropractic school during the last trimester as I knew all these wonderful friends, this sphere of learning and learning culture was coming to and end and we were going to scatter all over the globe. These friends there when I learned who I am at my very worst. They will forever be in my heart. The most recent was when we moved to Raleigh, I cut a little... then, Dink our dog died and I had to cut it off. It was weighing me down. It felt like a heavy winter coat in a warm summer day. I've recently learned that hair is said to be "Spiritually significant, hair is seen as shakti, life force itself, pushing out from our crown’s window, holding a record of our past existence." (Ashley Ludman) So I am validated in my urgent need to cut my hair during these times.
I am comforted in the gift of my wanting to grow my hair longer again. It means I am standing on firmer ground. I'll document my progress here. :-) I am taking extra enzymes to promote the hair growth. It contains ingredients which the body uses as building blocks for hair, skin and nails.
Love and light,
Heidi

Four weeks Four days

Four weeks Four days until the national board test. I found three new study material sources on chiropracticnationalboards.com. It looks very similar (if not identical) to what I already have but... fresh sources are always useful. Amazing how all this information has to be retained for 10 imaging questions. Truth be told my problem is over thinking it and not getting distracted by other findings on the film. It will be cases commonly encountered in practice, cases that have a contraindication to chiropractic care, and cases that require early detection to preserve life/health. So out of ten stations there are three categories.
Step one: ID the view
Step two: office motive
Step three: is their anything that stands out as abnormal
If yes: is it congenital or acquired
Step four: age/sex of patient

That will be enough to get me what I need to answer the rest of the test questions.

Oh... the places you'll go!
(physically and emotionally)

Musings from outdoor cafe

The weather is creating an explosion of people from their homes and offices! I love it! I decided to take my blog time outside today.
We are heading out of town this weekend. I am looking forward to a road trip. It will be the first one together since our move. Road trips last year consisted of driving to several study weekends, tests, and back and forth from Indiana visiting Jesse! So this will be a treat! I've gassed up the car and planned out the route.
On our trip we will be visiting heavy seas brewery. My husband is an AVID beer brewer and connoisseur. Before moving here one of the reasons he was excited was for all the new local brews he could experience. His ultimate love would be to become a master brewer at a brewery or have a burger and beer joint that supports local breweries. Anyway, it is nice to look for places to visit and different ways to experience a hobby like the craft brew scene. Its beers are very diverse and the crowd of people who you meet are very diverse, passionate and enjoyable.
If only I could get Jesse moderately interested in bicycling we could do brew and cycle tours and enjoy the bounty of the country side and the fruits of the earth in style. :-) I would love to share outdoor cycling with him but... you can't change a person you can only love who they are. The only person you can change is yourself and how you react to your world.
Light and love,
Heidi

Rainy day feelings

Several authors I'm reading lately have the belief that our feelings tell us where we're headed. They teach when we have a strong emotion to explore why, how... then in's and out's of what our body is trying to tell us with our "gut" reaction.
Some nights it is hard to sleep. Four categories come to mind in regards to sleeplessness. I'm sure you know these all too well. Relationships, money, career and health. Usually we do pretty well in two or three categories and we have a life long struggle with the other one or two. Perhaps the categories we lack in are the same story our family has been telling in that category for generations or the same story we've been telling ourselves our whole life.
Why do we retell the same stories of hurt and sorrow? Why do we allow our "loved" ones to keep us in the same patterns? I realize I have my family story and I too perpetuate the hurts we know as a family. I am working at releasing those energy blocks and boulders of negative self-talk to move through those blocks perhaps gracefully but, maybe not.
How is this done?
First off, when you retell the story of past pain over and over it lives again and reeks havoc on your body again and again. STOP telling the pain story. START telling your love story. (you have both... promise)
Secondly, don't put your relationships in a continual pattern. Assuming a person will act a certain way and planning for that response perpetuates the story that you don't want. Instead allow them the opportunities to show how they have expanded an grown since the memory of the hurt you blame them for.
Third and final, Lead with love and an open heart. We all have hurts. We all want approval and love. Filling the void you feel is your responsibility because if you don't love yourself no one else can love you. Happiness is a choice not a reaction to others.
I lovingly pass on these thoughts to you in hopes that you are sharing my journey through life in this moment.
Heidi
Making the choice to move closer to my family has put me right face to face with all that I chose to try to ignore. A sea of love greater than is palpable and a sea of hurt greater than I can imagine. Two sides to the same coin. So I return to the quote: Its better to have tried and failed then never tried at all.

Author Connie Domino writes:
"When you have sincerely invoked the Law of Forgiveness, you are releasing so much powerful energy that it will feel like a huge weight or boulder is being removed from your shoulders or neck. Now you will feel lighter and freer than you have in a while. Enjoy the lightness, the vibrancy and the freedom forgiveness brings."
Statement of Forgiveness
"I forgive you completely and freely, I loose you and let you go. So, as far as I'm concerned, the incident that happened between us is finished forever. I wish the best for you, I wish for you your highest good, and I hold you in the light. I am free and you are free, and all is well between us. Peace be with you." Adapted from Catherine Ponder

Change is brewing

I feel it. I'm not sure what is heading our way but... change is brewing. Its something I'm feeling on a cellular level. Its like I feel excited something is coming. Maybe its just a shift in my consciousness and appreciation for life. (Maybe its the coffee I drank!) Either way. Life is about feeling good. Feeling frisky. Spend a moment of time taking a deep breath and appreciating the abundance of life at your disposal. Consciously appreciating the little pleasures attracts more pleasure into your life. Law of attraction! So get out there and attract your wildest dreams of creating an abundant life.

Count down update

My exam is getting closer. I am determined to pass this with the score I need... a 475. I am ready to move on from this limbo of waiting to build the chiropractic practice up again. I miss, so very much, adjusting. I miss having a schedule of patients that I know and love who seek me to help them feel better. I am looking to this spring to bring my spring of renewal in my zest for my career and love for what I do with a piece of paper that I've rightfully earned. The date of the exam is May 13th and 14th. Six weeks and four days away.
I realize with all my heart what I am meant to do and I am ready to be able to continue providing a service here. May I put in the due diligence of the work that is necessary to achieve that reality.
Love to all.
Heidi
(struggles make us stronger... right?)

Plan

My plan for maximum understanding of the radiology for the exam in May is this.
1. Study normal projections and follow the steps of each projection given in the study sessions I went to last fall. This involves a step by step go to way of looking at the type of film. It makes sure the viewer does not miss a detail within the film which will hold a key to diagnostic interpretation. 2. Review a chapter in the radiology texts we are being tested on. There are about 12 chapters to look at from trauma to tumors etc...

Thus far today I've looked at the steps for chest and some extremities. Its slow going as my focus drifts and I study a little and then leave for a bit and come back to it.

I've gotten to the point where I don't feel afraid of the exam anymore. I have a plan for the due diligence. Now its all about execution. I do remember having the thought when I was in chiropractic school that maybe it would be a great idea to continue on and become a chiropractic radiologist. (that lasted for about... two days.) Perhaps if I had not created that thought/vibration I would have a different current story line.

During difficult periods of time I used to tell myself... "you're being prepared to do something wonderful in the world." I still believe this. However, I think of it on a smaller scale. Instead of taking the world (my world) by storm and shaking it up and watching where the pieces fall, I wish to approach it peacefully and with the purpose of serving, sharing, healing, caring where is needed. I cannot do what for you what you need for you and help you. I can share with you your ability to make your life what you wish of it. It is your responsibility to create your happiness.


Wherever you go... There you are. At the end of your life, will you have really lived?

Online learning

Just stumbled upon UC Berkely Webcasts! Listening/learning for free on line taking classes. This is great. The internet is a wonderful tool. Check it out. http://webcast.berkeley.edu

Picnic by the moonlight

The plan was a success! We ate our dinner outside (check), on a picnic table (check), and the moon was out (check). Its the little things. The location was a rose garden here in Raleigh that is within a mile of our apartment. The roses aren't in bloom yet but the moon was amazing. We had spinach salad with homemade lemon pepper dressing, bow tie, broccoli, and chicken pasta. For dessert... fresh pineapple.

I found myself feeling anxious before our new friends arrived. Checking, double checking, in my mind if I had forgotten anything. Maybe they wouldn't like it. Maybe we wouldn't have anything to talk about at dinner. Maybe... blah blah blah. These are the negative thoughts that can ultimately keep us from trying anything new or making new friends. None of those worries happened and if they did it would not have mattered. We (in general) are sooo worried about what other people think that we keep ourselves in a safe box and don't venture out. It hampers our happiness. So get out there and get imaginative and dream up an adventure even if its right in your own back yard!

aches and pains

I'd like to think my body is with me on getting back to our desired gravity pull. However, my knee is deciding to tell us to slow down. Quite alright as tonight is cycle class and in April I'm on the schedule to teach 2 or 3 classes a week.

Dear hubby and I have been running each night this week. (3 times) Our route is about 1.75 miles so not far and it doesn't take long at all. I know I'm sleeping better and am starting to see an improvement in how my jeans fit. My goal: get back into my khaki pants. I tried them on on Monday and I could not button the button comfortably and man the booty was really stretched. You know what I'm talking about.

I'm also trying to follow the S policy. No snacks, no seconds, no sweets except on days that start with S! Yesterday I slipped up. Went to the new whole foods and had a sweet snack! Two S's OH NO! Right back on the train.

In other news.. I am encouraged by the positive results we are getting at the office with the enzyme therapy work. Yesterday it was reported that the patient had more energy and felt her anxiety and depression symptoms were markedly improved! The best story to date still comes from the little girl who was able to smell flowers after her enzyme therapy regimen boosted her immune system and opened up her nasal passages! She came in and told me and both her mom and I cried. I love that story.

Cheers to you out there in the world.

Clearing the dust

Since my last post there have been a multitude of changes. Anticipated and not. I've relocated to Raleigh, NC. It hasn't been all peaches. Jesse asked me this morning.... if you could do it over again would you? I said "honey, don't ask me that right now. I don't want to hear the answer." I had to stop and think. and think. Finally I decided yes. If a do over was to be done I would in fact put us... (Jesse and I) through this move again.

Moving is hard. There have been many aspects that have improved and many that are going to improve. In the long run it will have been a great choice. In the short run... I feel like my engine is loosing gas at a faster rate than it is gaining. However, I am in the belief that gratitude is the answer to staying afloat. So I will now reconvene this blog today in hopes that adding this to my routine will be a hand hold through this rough road. The main stay that somewhere out there we will connect and my story will be in your heart and yours in mine because we are all in this world together.

Seven months into our location. First year starting a practice. Taking boards again to satisfy the states requirements for a higher score than the rest of the country. Not getting that score in the Fall. Thinking about starting a family. Being near my family that both nurtures and aches. Approaching the opportunity to retake the exam again. Making new friends.
Learning that I am worthy of love just being.

Then there are the feelings of Japan. What am I. Who am I. Why did this happen? What can we/I do? How will this effect us? our world? So much at once. What is the good in this situation? What is the positive light? Where are the uplifting stories? How can we ban together to get through this? Just Breathe.

I am not perfect. I am human.